Subject: Re: Revile old friends, berate new ones
Date: Fri, Mar 24,200020:57 EST
From: Tiff062380
My, you are bitter... why?
You know, it just happens -- & sometimes it happens b/c you needed a lesson. & the best lesson to gain is that we can only truly depend on ourselves... friends are just good for a laugh:)~
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Subject: Re: for real...
Date: Fri, Mar 24, 2000 22:21 EST
From: Lundberg02
ok, let's get something straight. You're sitting somewhere typing at a computer keyboard. You ask a question, maybe you get an answer. Why would you want to believe there is a human being on the other side?
Years ago, a human being started this board. That person never comes here.
It is ours now. We have come here from a great distance to observe you. There is no need for us to disturb a stable breeding population of this size, our needs can be met. Hint: We shop on Friday night, as do many of you. We don't shop at the same "market" .
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Subject: Re: for real...
Date: Sat, Mar 25, 2000 04:53 EST
From: Emperor of Zip
We have come here from a great distance to observe you,
Oh, great, Lundy. Why don't you just go ahead and tell her about the Large Magnetic Array and the Far-infrared Fusion Plasma Diagnostics Laboratory.
Man, you have been insufferable on this mission. I can't believe I voted not to jettison you back at the Orion Belt.
Emp
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Subject: Re: for real...
Date: Sat, Mar 25, 2000 13:44 EST
From: Lundberg02
You guys in Navigation Division should just shut up and count stars on your "fingers". The vote was 112,567,876,346 to 3 to keep me because I am the only one who can fix the ixwlthb drive where all the recipes are stored. The trouble with our advanced civ is that there aren't any manuals for stuff, everybody thinks they can do anything or fix anything just by looking at it.
Nav division is the reason we're on this damn oxygen planet in the first place, now everything is rusting and we're stuck here. Good damn thing there's plenty of food.
And Zima.
First chance I get, I'm signing up with lTT Technical Institute to see if there's any way to understand these frigging Windows PCs.
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Subject: Re: for real...
Date: Sat, Mar 25, 2000 17:19 EST
From: Lundberg02
You know, Zip, if it turns out that we really can't go back, it might not be that bad. When we absorb a citizen, it doesn't hurt them, they just become part of us. I mean it's not like we're cruel or anything. And I love that damn Zima I gotta tell ya, I don't see how an all purpose cleaner can taste so good.
The main thing is, though, you know how some of the rounded ones have these names like ours, with numbers on the end? Us guys on the landing parties are issued everything we need for a small harem for subsistence and I ended up with a few numbered ones. Well ya can't help noticing that they look pretty good and have kind of the same stuff that one of our sexes has. One time I was absorbing one and I absent mindedly started at the wrong end, see.
This numbered one got to sort of moving with it and saying stuff louder and louder. Next thing know there's a hand on my flirg unit. I guess they think that the permanent stiffness is a pretty big deal, kinda like a porpoise has. It turns out that the furry bump we have halfway down on the top to keep from getting suction lock is right where they have a real good place for it. I stopped absorbing and just went with it. Hey, I absorb too much anyway,
I've lost a step out on the court. What I'm tellin' ya is that a couple of these number jobs I'm gonna keep as, ah, pets, that's it. One of them said that all that stuff turned into like a fragrance and she ( this one said to call her that) never felt so fresh. I suppose it must be the Zima.
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Subject: Re: for real...
Date: Sat, Mar 25, 2000 20:00 EST
From: EWebb7752
Dear Mom,
I have to tell you that I won't be home for Decoration Day this year. I know, we always come and help with the flowers and everything, but I have some news you may not want to hear. l've met a guy, and l've left my husband and joined his group. There are a couple of men and quite a few of us women.
I know how much you like my husband, but this guy is so far above him in every way, it's just hard to describe. You should see him on the court! He has a thing about Zima, but I swear I'm not drinking it. He uses it as a bath, and for "other" things. He has a, well, I know you don't like the subject of sex, but he calls it a "flirg", which is so far beyond anything l’ve ever experienced before that I just cannot resist him. In some ways, he reminds me of Flipper.
I promise this isn't some kind of cult. I believe he is from another dimension. He acts like it, and talks like it. You know how much l've wanted to travel among the stars, and when I'm with him, I truly believe I am. This is what I was meant to do with my life!
Some day, I hope he will let me see you and explain it all face to rytzos.
I'm sorry about Decoration Day. Sometime, I promise, you will understand.
Your loving daughter, 7752
PS l've talked to your Mother, even though she died in 1986, and she says it's OK.
Hillbilly Deluxe bs
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Subject: Re: for real...
Date: Sat, Mar 25,200022:31 EST
From: Lundberg02
Zipman. I really think I'm losin it. I came so close to being jettisoned today I damn near hocked up my other stomach. What happened was, I noticed some of the number jobs hanging around with kind of a look in their eye. Of course nearly all of them have two eyes, it's just a figure of speech. Since they were already, well, they were all READY, see what I mean? So I didn't need to use the Y/N stick to get 'em to show up. Problem is, I left it layin' out, and that one that is always pokin around and askin questions about if there's blue tick hounds on our planet and does a person have to watch out for government men, she saw it. While I was helpin the one that talks your ear off, she's smart though, with her straps and such, the curious one picks the damn thing up and kind of swings it around sort of weighin it. I was thankin Great God Pan the two second default reversion had kicked in and it was only workin on microorganisms and small invertebrates. Some smart folks worked on that job, Zip, or we'd be marchin straight to the holding pens. You don't have to worry about classified equipment like I do since you can't leave the ship, but if my first class was to find out, he and the chief would have me in irons in front of the skipper right now. Yeah, I know nobody really knows where the front of the skipper actually is, but it's close to where the sound seems to come from. I'm still thirgling, I was so scared.
Can you even imagine what the one who got away, that one with the two digit number, would do if she knew what that thing does?
After I finish with them I am going to OD on a case of zeem. The damn Y/N stick is back in the Schrodinger locker where it belongs.
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Subject: Re: for real...
Date: Sun, Mar 26, 2000 19:50 EST
From: Emperor of Zip
You guys in Navigation Division should just shut up and count stars on your "fingers".
Yeah, well, you guys in EVA make me wanna puke. I am stuck in a low geocentric orbit while you pissheads get Y/N sticks and numbered units. Hey, Buck Rogers, lemme clue you in one what's happening aboard ship.
FAJGFAL has swept through the Navigational Division Module. These dorks have taken Tiff062380 as the Messiah/Defender of the Word and are fashioning "Friends Are Just Good For A Laugh" bracelets and keychains out of your precious Zima bottle cap collection.
Enjoy the day, Lundy. Don't blame me when you get back. You, dear FRIEND, will not believe what they have done to your sleeping quarters. But it is kind of funny.
Emp
FAJGFAL <== (the result of peer pressure)
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Subject: Re: for real...
Date: Mon, Mar 27,200002:22 EST
From: JxxxxxK
TO Lndbrg:
You thrirgle, particularly with listerine, again and I'll have the polarity reversed permanently, which, you Zima sotted butterfingered roundworm, will result in permanent lower coloidal encasement of the flirg unit.
Do you think, you cretinated invertebrate liar, that you can wriggle past the ecto-monitors by simply parthogenetically doubling yourself? Just wave the magic Y/N stick? Hahahaha! If that shibboleth had balls, she'd have been my godfather, and I'd be redefined and encased in the Primal Ectastic Moment for the rest of forevermore, and frig the fugging flirg, though it ain't bad.
Let me make this clear enough that even a protoactualized-fungoid like yourself can understand it. Unless you want the autonomic pen to hold you where no sun will ever shine, you will resume cataloging immediamente, or sooner. Things are not what they zima, and that includes you, denizen! The prime directive is most clear -- no rounded number units! Should you find one indivisible by itself, it must be transmorgrified directly to my quarters, two of which are always on duty.
Get undulating, and good luck.
FROM Skpper, FOB Mothership 2398/67:TR12
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Subject: Re: for real...
Date: Mon, Mar 27, 2000 20:01 EST
From: Navarchus
To: Lndbrg
CC: Jxx'xxxK
Dear Sirs (and other protosynclastic beings),
It has come to the Unavoidably Eye's attention that this modulated frequency is being inundated with directives not entirely motivated by professional duty and attention to the internment of the subordinate species at hand (or psuedopod).
Quiirlg it at once.
Inadvisable as it would be to ignore this missive, should you decide to do so, be assured that your vibration on this plane will be immediately (and retroactively) turned magenta. And we all know what that means.
So, unless you want some numbered units to wise up and slice you laterally like a Thanksgiving Wuetxaal (from Traal, no less), then get with the program.
I remain, Omniscient
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Subject: Re: for real...
Date: Mon, Mar 27, 2000 21 :26 EST
From: Lundberg02
You've been delusional ever since we deorbited Beta Eridanae and took a hotshot of gamma radiation. It's a damn good thing we still had the forward scatter on and focussed most of it off into space. How the hell did you get out of sick bay and into the crew lounge, anyway? I'm going to call Doc and have him put you in the fader for an hour. All the numbered units were
watching the Feynmans last night for five hours and
I was able to get some work done, and that's when I saw your post on GOL. I'm serious, you are not God, and I don't care how well you modified the Y/N when we couldn't keep the tenth sex out of the emergency porn locker ( good stick save, buddy, and get well quick).
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Subject: Re: for real...
Date: Tue, Mar 28, 2000 01 :27 EST
From: JxxxxxK
>I remain,
>Omniscient<
By the seven lobes of Gogdarit, much more of this flirging persiflagee and shore leavee will be canceled. Omn-scnt dahlink: the cataloging of Sector 12 (Land of Convictions) will be completed within five prime lunar circumcisions, or you will be incontinent, and puce, by sunrise on Aldeberan.
FROM Skppr, FOB Mothership 2398/72:TR12
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Subject: Re: for real...
Date: Tue, Mar 28, 2000 03:01 EST
From: Navarchus
To:Skppr, FIB Mothership 2398/72:TR12
Dear Sir,
Since my inappropriate (and yet somehow, fulfilling) recent incarceration in the Brig of Certain Couture has put my efforts to catalogue Sector 12 (Land of Convictions) a bit behind schedule, I must decline your kind offer to puce me. In addition to being unwilling, I am also unable to comply with aforebrained orders, since my duodecimal Aldeberan-ian chronologh defibrillator is currently on Deck Bouvre (Deck of a Lasting Odour), to which I am not granted access (damn tribbles). Therefore, I have no idea what time sunrise on Aldeberan will occur (if indeed, they succeeded in re-igniting it).
So, this One hopes that the threat of incontinence is not mitigated by these flambilligent circumstances. That is all.
FROM: Omniscient, FOB Sector Cataloging Vessel Number Plaid
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Subject: Re: for real...
Date: Tue, Mar 28, 2000 06:46 EST
From: Emperor of Zip
Dear Diary,
Things seem to be getting a bit "testy" aboard ship. I'm thinking this week's Friday Night Movie should be a musical.
Emp
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Subject: Re: for real...
Date: Tue, Mar 28, 2000 12:32 EST
From: Lundberg02
Anything with Cyd Charisse.
Anything choreographed by Busby Berkley.
"Babes on Broadway"
"Singin' In The Rain" ought to calm the vibrations.
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Subject: Re: for real...
Date: Tue, Mar 28, 2000 13: 13 EST
From: MadCow57
»Anything with Cyd Charisse«
Ah, Cyd Charisse. About 30 or 40 years ago, she wrote an article in some women's magazine and said that if you want that long leggy look, buy shoes the same color as your feet, and paint your toenails that color too.
Result: several people have seen me walking down the pier in tan sandals and made remarks about how I'm going to get splinters if I keep going barefoot.
Then comes the usual double take.
Subject: Re: for real...
Date: Tue, Mar 28,2000 14:43 EST.
From: Lundberg02
When we're relaxing aboard ship our feet are sort of an eggplant color.
You'll be happy to know that Cyd and Tony are doing their thing back in the cluster. We have the technology. The energy requirements are substantial so we only take the best. Bobby Darren is there, too. Feh, so he's an ass, he was a great talent. Groucho rooms with him, he can handle it.
